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  • Writer's pictureAngee Stevens

This is 42. (Day 02)

Updated: Nov 20, 2023

So in an attempt to be more vulnerable and express raw emotions when they arise, without fearing judgments, criticisms, or retaliations, I am going to start a blog where I write about each day as it happens for anyone who wishes to read. For I am now the Auteur of my life.

Of course this doesn’t mean I need to be throwing around accusations or harmful statements when I am upset which, as a Scorpio, we all know that can happen from time to time. (Am I right fellow Scorpios?!?)

I know there will be days when I am not in the mood to write or journal about anything so my tendency towards wanting to “just skip this whole crazy idea” is through the roof. But, in order to push myself to a place of vulnerability that I know needs to be accessed within me, I feel this is something I need to do

To be honest, I. Am. Petrified. This terrifies me to no end. I keep picturing looking back on yesterday’s post, or a post from last month, or a year from now and want to crawl within a hole to hibernate from embarrassment or mentally slap the shit out of the former me, repeating over and over while shaking my head in disapproval ‘You should have known better.’

But I believe Maya Angelou explained forgiveness of self best when she said,

“Do the best you can until you know better and then do better“.

That’s my plan. I’m going to do my best each day and journal my unfiltered thoughts for all to read… and judge…and criticize… and connect… and learn… and grow… and heal. For the way you choose to read my words says more about you than it does me.

If my words or my actions cause discomfort within you, I invite you to ask yourself why? I can assure you I have never murdered anyone, nor have I inflicted any intentional harm to anyone, physically, spiritually or verbally. So I don’t feel there’s much I could do or say that would warrant feelings of judgment, critique, jealousy, or even anger. So if any of those feelings arise within, I invite you to ask yourself why.

Why did this word, this action, this statement, or this existence offend me so much? If you want to grow in life, which I assume every person does, you have to realize growth can only happen when you lean into the “why”. As a mental health therapist, I’ll let you guys in on a little secret. The answer to “why” never begins outside of ourselves. So if you find yourself blaming others, you’re doing it wrong. The answer should always come from within.

We often don’t ask ourselves these tough questions because we’re afraid we won’t know the answer AND we’re afraid we will know the answer. Either way, we most often would rather not know because within both answers lies darkness. Yet it is only in darkness that you can truly see the stars.

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